IDEA SIX: DYKES ON A PLANE AKA DOAP (pronounced "dope")

art by Washio Tomoyuki
for Roots Magazine (who have a kick ass top menu bar on their site. those animated characters spazzing out when you hover over the nav choice--that shit is HAWT.)

Dykes On A Plane: Without a doubt it would be a viral video and youtube phenom--a repressed closet-case librarian boards a plane heading to san franscisco only to enter into a xanax induced psychosis in which hot and sexxxy dykes (some of whom are celebrity cameos) are set loose on the plane, crawling down the aisle and springing out of overhead compartments. Holy shit it would be awesome: scenes of female sexuality on the attack tricked out with anime and hella graphics to evoke the trippy state of the protagonist.

In between the laughs the parody would achieve moments of girl on girl heat.

Somebody film that shit and hit me up with a credit!

snakes on a senate

IDEA FIVE: Playing Stay Alive with Capitalism

If money didn’t have anything to do with it, than I can’t understand why anyone would want to be famous in the so-called “real” world when if yr a cool kid and look hot you can be like Raymi and be famous in a specific world instead. When you are an innernet star you still get the luxury of privacy: you dont have paparazzi and stalkers. Ok maybe you have stalkers, but you can definitely still walk down the street and not get mobbed like a person who is famous ferreal. You don’t have to keep your hat pulled down low to cover yr sleep deprived eyes while u stock up on supplies...coke blak, turkey sandwiches, protein bars, iced coffee...you can go up your apartment stairs, all alone, with planes of afternoon light intersecting above your head...till you're inside, getting situated on your blue office swivel chair, flipping open the laptop and pressing the iPod into it’s charger seat, enjoying the ritual you’ve created around “going online”: You open the Tupperware container that has bags of green and various pipes inside...outside are the sounds of planes hooking either a sharp left or right up above, depending on whether they are landing at or taking off from La Guardia. Or maybe yr squirreled away in a forgotten corner of Greenpoint, Brooklyn and it's the hum of the BQE that makes up the soundtrack underneath the soundtrack.

Or maybe you live on a green plain in New Zealand, or in a suburb in Canada, or California, or a mildewy flat on the outskirts of London...

Being famous in a specific world, allows the person to remain ferreal and untouched by corporate hands, the way a rapper who has mixtapes that are hot on the streets but doesn't have a deal is the most number one dood out there--cuz the streets is with him. We've seen with hip-hop what happens when a specific world expands into the real world and takes it over. Will bloggers follow in the footsteps of rappers and become larger than life? Will stars like Raymi blow up as blogs and blogging and social networks take over the innernet? Will some of them (like me) become superhero nerds known the world over for being cool as fuck or is your light and your power of the needy sort so that you'll let your talent be subsumed and drowned by a larger, Tsunami-like force?

In Rushes The Corporate Tide.


(Do you know how to ride?)

My idea is create sites that are deeper and deeper...to make the specific world as specific as u can make it. To become an exaggerated version of yourself that is very, very real...Bloggers can take that from hip-hop and mix it with the greater intimacy that blogging creates between themselves and their readers and they should RUN WITH IT and go wherever it takes them. Barely survive and cut loose at the same time.

Live inside.

Create spaces inside of spaces inside of spaces instead of trying to map out new terrain on the slippery split screen stock ticker surface of things.

hide.

IDEA FOUR: Living Commercial

Those Nascar jumpsuits like the kind Will Ferrell wears made me wonder, "why can't ordinary people do that?" and by that i mean why can't ordinary people get paid to wear advertising and of course the answer is that if everyone got paid to wear brand names than the brands would have no one to sell their product to. So then i got to thinking some more, and realized, hey, no one really wants to look at old people anyways, so how about just college kids? If yr in college, as in, enrolled and matriculated and all that good stuff, then you can decide to automatically apply by ticking the “sell-out” field onyr facebook site.

Those who present themselves as cool, hip, smart and beautiful can get credit of varying types…from online or in-store shopping accounts to lower interest rates on their credit cards, to prepaid course books or even towards tuition. All they would have to do is maintain an agreed upon brand tag-to-post ratio and that’s it…no scripts, no ads to click on…just ferreal cool kids being ferreal wearing their clothes, eating their food and playing their games on the innernet on corporate expense accounts…it would be the ultimate form of viral marketing, cuz, as those of you who have had a blue pill know, we humans are the ultimate form of virus.


of course, online social networking has its drawbacks as well.

Can you say "cyber cops?"

How about “The End of Privacy”…?

All the same, college is pretty fucking expensive not to want to get put on…even if it means selling out.

IDEA THREE: 3YEARS ON DRUGS

hi-speed flower bloom

This is a video of a chick who took a pic of herself every day for three years and then pasted them together and played them against a techno track that's what the soundtrack to Buffy the Vampire Slayer would sound like if Depeche Mode wrote the soundtrack. It's pretty cool. Though it's interesting how little she seems to change over the three year period. Someone should do another one starring a druggie waster. Then we could watch the rings under his or her eyes deepen and lighten, the rawkstar tan alternating between China white and jaundiced California...the eyelids super puffy on some days and pink and flattened like earthworms on others.

There'd be a lot of half-smiles.

Getting high a lot tends to make one rather smug, I find.

(everyone except me, that is.)

IDEA TWO: MC REAL DOLL

Damn i bought a six dollar shake at Jamba Juice and i've been sick as a mofo ever since. It was a so-called "enlightened smoothie", which is to say it's one of the three or four lo-cal smoothies on the menu...which basically means they are admitting all of the rest of them are fatty boombalatty drinks...despite their hyperbolic attestations of health, youth and vitality. por favor.

When I get sick it really makes me wish (even more than normally) that I had the ability to leave my body and travel thru space and time encumbered only by the limits of my own imagination. A part of me wants very badly to live in cartoonland. Which is why i love the idea of the group the Gorillaz even more than the group the Gorillaz themselves: a band that exists only as a cartoon, that's the fucking shit. Too bad their music wasn't better. I mean, it's pretty good, but if it was just a tiny bit better...dang. Inspired by the Gorillaz and next level action figures, I want to create limited editions of a 12 inch tall figurine called MC REAL DOLL. Like other high-end, collector toys, this bad boy would sell for mucho dinero in boutiques in soho, the east village and billysburg. It would have that manga, philo-japania vibe and strike first at the collective fancy of the backpack hop-hop heads who are a little crunchy and a LOT high. They would in turn fetishize the dolls in their collectors circles as well as on their blogs and in the columns for whatever magazines they worked for...

Each doll would come SUPED UP with an imbedded MP3 player loaded with an album's worth of tracks. This would be the ONLY way to get the songs. You could plug headphones into the doll or hook it up to speakers. It would be so fucking bad ass...eclectic, high-end hip-hop--everything to the detailing of the doll's clothes to the found beauty quality of the obscure samples that litter a dark, cartoonscape production underlying a voice slightly mutated by vocoder to give it a faint plastic resonance...

MC REAL DOLL.

IDEA ONE: "You've gotta start this site somewhere."

Hey, yo.

Wassup, glad you could make it.

I have so many ideas...it's like what Dudley Perkins says on the intro to his album, "A Lil Light": I got so many ideas...I got so many ideas and I'm trying to get them out as fast as I can."

Time to start posting them on my innernet so that someone like Bill Gates will discover my genius and totally put me ON.

Werd to the nerds--IDEA ONE was one of those momentary flashes of product insight i sometimes get in places like fast moving hi-rise elevators, the florescent lit loneliness of a 7-11 at midnite, and the comment boxes of gorgeously brilliant bloggers (who also happen to be brilliantly gorgeous). I wrote this in response to the previous commenter who offered a "low five" for The Pants exchange with Jase of Big Brother fame who also once had a bit part on the show, Arrested Development:

oh snap--that's totally gonna be the name of my next teen punk band Low Five...the schtick can be that they're rich kids slumming to be legit punk rockers, meanwhile filming themselves the whole time for the reality show version of their rise to fame.

I love the phrase slumming it.

Maybe the show should take place in England...they could fake low class accents. Hmmm...that would get lost on the American audience, I'm afraid.