IDEA NINE: Dark Chocolate Cigarettes

Let's face it: human beings have an insatiable craving to ravish with their mouths. Nearly every hour we're wrapping our lips at least once around something, be it the over-designed space age nozzle on an energy drink or a bright green starbucks straw or a stick of dentyne or a glass pipe or gummy candy or our very own fingers. Look what's happened now that Americans are quitting smoking--they're (we're) turning in to food sucking machines. Everywhere you go in this country (and by everywhere i mean even the furthest regions of TiVo nation) the images that confront u are about sexing the mouth. What would Budweiser be without it's bottle? The Big Mac held up to the face, obscuring the mouth as though it is a luvr being kissed... There is a Dunkin Donuts commercial out right now here in nyc that addresses the conflict between remaining fixated upon the attention sucking TV and going out to buy a glistening sausauge and egg sandwich: triumphant (yet, ironically so, in the vein of the Royal Tenenbaums or The Wonder Boys or some other clever, hokey shit that you can't help but find cool in a disarming, self-effacing, faux high brow manner) music plays as an instantly affable (skinny) everyday man with somethin of an afro(polyracial) breaks free from the trance of a "charming human interest story", as it is described by the narrator, and succeeds in leaving the house and obtaining the horribly un-nutritious snack that his body was not even in need of in terms of hunger or nourishment--what his body really wanted was to be mouth fucked, as it seems all of our bodies want, nearly constantly. There is a bit of a chicken and egg syndrome as to how the habit of cigarette smoking plays in to this--back in the day the native americans would only smoke it once in a while for occasions muy especial, but such restraint wasn't going to make anyone in England rich...which is why the whole concept of smoking every day really took off...which in turn is perhaps in part to blame for our society's overarching consumption issues. As a heavy smoker for over 10 years i know that it's mostly psychological but at the same time people are dropping dead cuz they can't stop like I did, one day, cold turkey. (try this if you want to quit it really helps)

We've got to invent a cigarette that really won't kill you but will give you some other kick.

Which is why I'm asking any scientists out there to please please please come up with a way to smoke dark chocolate for a slight buzz. The amount of chocolate in a pack would be about the amount of two bars of pure chocolate--but that's the kick--the cocoa would be non processed and bitter--producing a smokey roasted hershey puff that would be appealing to ferreal smokers in a way that cloves and flavored tabaccos are not.

The chocolate smokers wouldn't eat as much but they also wouldn't die of cancer.

A win-win.

Once we end the crisis then we can get on to answering the bigger question--why are we so in love with pleasing our mouths?






IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL MAKE IT: UPDATE ON IDEA SIX, DYKES ON A PLANE--TRAILER TO NON EXISTENT FARCE RELEASED AS VIRAL VIDEO YOUTUBE DIRRRTY SEXXX BOMB.

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